even my farts smell like vagina
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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