she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
