I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
