My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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