My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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