Taylor Swift is so right about you.
someone owes me an orgasm
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
