i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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