Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My feet surprised me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
