The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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