My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
