I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
