You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
