3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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