That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
