yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
