I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
we're so committed to being not committed
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
