The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
