My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
