I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
