after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
