I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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