Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
