Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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