you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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