i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Sober January is a disaster.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
