Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
