At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
