I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
