My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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