ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
