I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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