how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
