Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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