He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
