The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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