Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
