yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
two words: eviction party
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
