I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
