are you so shy because you have an std?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
