You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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