We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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