living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
a search helicopter?!
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
