seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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