im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
