I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
