Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
