I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
