my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
