I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she smelled like a LAN party
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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