I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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