he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
there is glitter all over my balls
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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